The Mistake of Not Knowing
by ChasingYellowCarsFaithfully
Summary: 'Is she ok' 'She's fine, not that you care' her voice was full of bitterness, a pang of hate which pierced through his heart. But before he could say anything else she had hurried herself off, disappearing out of view. What happens when Finn learns that Rachel has a child upon his return from the army? What if Rachel thinks he doesn't care for their child?


_**Ok, this was eating away at me after I saw a particular gif set on Tumblr and I had to get it written out.**_

_**For those, if any, waiting for an update to Book of Firsts, I promise you, it's in the works and isn't so far off.**_

* * *

_Please don't stand so close to me; I'm having trouble breathing. _

_I'm afraid of what you'll see right now. _

_I give you everything I am, all my broken heartbeats, until I know you'll understand. _

_And I will make sure to keep my distance. _

_Say I love you when you're not listening. _

_And how long can we keep this up, up, up? _

_And I keep waiting for you to take me. _

_You keep waiting to save what we have._

* * *

It's a crabby Tuesday, April morning when he returns home. Home; where ever that is. He once thought of Lima as home (and it will always be the place where he grew up and made him who he is today) but he long lost the feeling of it being home when revelations were made and new dreams were built. He doubts 'home' will ever be without her but he'd long made his bed and now he has to lie in it.

Limping through the airport doors, Corporal Finn Hudson made his way to his waiting car. It had been two and a half years since he'd been here, since he knew of anything in the outside world. Two years of not knowing anything about anyone, closing himself off and focusing on his training and missions at hand. Once in a blue moon he'd write letters, short and simple, just to let his family know he was well and alive but never once opened the letters sent to him. It would have hurt too much and clouded his thoughts. It took all his power to ignore the pretty pink ones covered in stars and curvy handwriting. If the war didn't kill him, those would have.

They were pretty frequent at first but he thinks she eventually got the message and stopped sending them. He did get a few in between with what his fellow recruits told him were pictures but he refused to open them. If letters had been bad then looking at pictures would actually do the job. He didn't need constant reminders of her, of them. They surrendered so she could move to New York, be the star she was born to be without him weighing her down. He hopes she has. She'd nearly be through her senior year now, blowing people out of the waters.

The thoughts of her being the star she is played on his mind leaving him slightly dazed, allowing a smile to tug at his lips. Taken by his thoughts he missed the little toddler running in front of him, knocking her over setting off her cries.

Dropping his bags he quickly knelt down on the ground to pick the little kid up and assess her making sure he had done no physical damage.

'I'm so sorry. So, so sorry' he worriedly whispered as he brushed her light brown hair trying to calm her down. It worked for him when he was a child, figured it might work here too. Where the hell was this kids mother? Why was she running around on her own; she can't have been more than two he guessed.

Looking into this little girls big light brown eyes he stood up to scan around and see if the mother was around. The little girl was beginning to calm down and was now playing with the lapels on his uniform. 'Where's your mom, angel?' he said with a light tickle to her stomach making her smile. Her smile reminded him of someone but he pushed the thought out and turned around to look up only to see _her_.

Standing at a distance was Rachel. She looked like she was frozen, stuck to the ground. Those big brown eyes glistening with tears, still as beautiful as ever. It seemed like he had frozen too, his legs refusing to work with his brain, making him stand his ground. The only thing to take him out of his daze was the little girl wriggling in his lap, getting set to cry again as she pushed to get off. Its then that he realises that Rachel is carrying a small Disney bag in her hand and a sweater that looked to match the little girls outfit. His heart started to feel little pangs of jealousy, his anger building but he had learned to keep his cool. What was he expecting anyway? Rachel to wait for him? Clearly she hadn't, not long anyway and he couldn't blame her. It was his fault, he was the one to want to 'surrender' and force them apart. But it didn't help the fact that he still hoped she'd wait. That their three years weren't a dream, that senior year wasn't just a façade. Its selfish, he knows, but he hoped that one day he could be worthy of her again, that they'd find their paths to each other, let fate do its work and bring them to the little shoebox apartment in New York. That wasn't just a line he drew out then, he meant it. None of it would be anymore, clearly she had moved on, started a family at some point even though she told him she wanted to wait until she was twenty five and had won her first Tony. It's best not to show her any emotions he thought, though, he was doing a bad job of it.

Before he could make a move Rachel was walking towards him, tears falling from her eyes but refusing to meet his.

'Erm, thanks Finn' she choked out before holding her arms out for the little girl. 'Let's go Eliza' she mumbled, the little girl happily returning herself to her mother from this stranger. Even the simple brush of hands as the little girl left from one lap to another caused skin to burn and electricity to fly. Before he knew it, Rachel had turned away and was stalking off as she quietly whispered to the little girl, brushing her hair.

Two strides is what it took for Finn to catch up; he couldn't leave it at that.

'Rach! Wait!' She came to a halt and turned; her face not looking at him though.

'Is she ok?' not knowing what else he could say he waited for a reply.

'She's fine, not that you care' her voice was full of bitterness, a pang of hate which pierced through his heart. But before he could say anything else she had hurried herself off, disappearing out of view.

'_Not that you care'_ what was that supposed to mean? He did a shitty job of keeping in touch with everyone especially her knowing that she'd hold onto everything and not let it go.

His head full of emotions; anger, jealousy, hurt made his journey to the Hudson-Hummel house feel like the longest journey ever. He needed answers and he needed them now.

xOx

It wasn't supposed to happen like this. The first time Finn met Eliza wasn't supposed to_ feel_ like this. She'd always imagined it to be a happy moment. He comes off a plane, she's there waiting for him and before she knows it he's meant to embrace them both. It was clear that he had no idea who the child is, either that or he didn't want to acknowledge her because Rachel sure as hell sent him enough letters and pictures to let him know.

Eventually she accepted the fact that he wouldn't write to her, thought it was probably because he didn't want her to worry about him and his tales. Or that it hurt him too much to be away from his child. The fact that his face remained a blank canvas when he saw Eliza told her that he wanted nothing to do with their child. Did surrendering mean that much to him? What was all that about fate bringing them together again? The Finn she knew would have embraced his child, regardless of it being an unplanned meet at the airport. He'd recognise his child from the pictures he was sent; from that one-sided smile she inherited of his to the eyes that resembled her mother's, but nothing. He acted like she was a stranger.

A quick and simple visit to her fathers wasn't meant to be so complicated. It was meant to be a de-stresser for her; a break from her studies, part time job and parenting. It helped that Kurt was there to help her but once in a while, she would come back to Lima to help Eliza bond with her grandparents, and give herself AND Kurt respite.

Truth be told, her occasional returns to Lima were more about being close to Finn, feeling like he was still part of her life and mainly Eliza's. Every time she went to the Hudson-Hummel house it was like being home; being there with him. Carole's mothering of her made her feel like she was still part of that something special and now that she had Eliza, reaffirmed it. Carole was the missing link between herself and Finn. They had a mutual agreement not to discuss Finn, the pain too unbearable but there was understanding. Carole was her main supporter during the pregnancy; providing financial and emotional help when she needed it in Finn's place. As much as Rachel loved her fathers, pregnancy wars was one thing they couldn't help her with.

She'd only spoken to Carole the previous Sunday, confirming her return to Lima. Carole had not once mentioned Finn returning home. She could have at least warned her.

Rachel was finding it hard to understand how he could do this. Resent her for all he likes but to resent their child? To act like she is nothing? That hurt. Every day, Rachel made sure Eliza knew who her father was; every day Rachel showed her daughter a picture of the magnificent man she had fallen in love with and gave her this precious gift. The silence played in her; _he_ wanted a future with her, he asked her to marry him, somewhere down the line, start a family with him but she had trouble understanding how he could just brush all that off now. Were they Three years of lies?

Though she was having trouble seeing through her tears she had to get her answers. She was going to find him and demand an explanation.

Telling Eliza that she was going to see her grandma she got the little girl ready and made her way. She hadn't expected to see the very person she wanted to see stand in front of her in the pathway of the Berry household. Maybe this was a bad idea, it wasn't as easy as she thought. Turning around she made her way back to the house.

"Rachel wait," Finn cried out as he watched her walk away.

Her pace slowed for a moment and she took a breath to try and calm herself before turning around. Eliza's hand clasped firmly in hers, she turned to face him, determined not to cry. "What Finn?"

He stared at her for a moment, a myriad of emotions from regret at leaving her to pride for the star she surely is now warring inside him and he fumbled for the right words. "I, I mean, you," he shook his head. "How are you?"

Rachel stared at him incredulously. That was the first thing he said to her after not speaking to her in years? How was she? She opened her mouth to speak, intending to let him know just how she was when Eliza interrupted.

"Mommy go' Eliza tugged towards the house. Rachel took her daughters request and walked towards the house before she heard 'Can we talk?'

It had to be done at some point, they had to face the truth. Figure out where they stood with Eliza never mind themselves. She nodded, giving him permission as he slowly began to walk towards the house behind her. It was then she noticed his slight limp making her mind wander of what he has faced in the last few years. The few years he has ignored her and their child.

As they entered the house Eliza ran towards her toys that had been left strewn on the floor.

'She's beautiful' Finn stated staring at Eliza. His face, however, had a pained expression; a look Rachel couldn't decipher.

Rachel stood in silence not saying anything but watching the little girl in front of her play. She refused to look at Finn in case she actually acted upon what her mind kept replaying; a hard slap across Finn's face.

'Why are you here Finn? What do you want?' she questioned angrily.

Finn had a million things he wanted from Rachel, things he jeopardised when he let her go. To tell her he was wrong. To tell her he still loved her. To tell her he wants her back. To tell her whoever the douchebag she was with now would never love her as much as he did. His mind stumbled on forming words but her earlier actions came back to him igniting that anger again.

'Rach, what did you mean when you said 'Not that you care''? How can you say that I don't care about you. You agreed to surrender with me. You agreed to let us take on our own paths. Clearly you have moved on so who are _you_ to say that _I_ don't care' His voice had risen causing the little girl to stare up at him with a slight look of fear in her eyes.

Rachel's face began to burn with anger, how dare he play the victim. How dare he act like he didn't know what she was talking about.

'Don't you dare Finn! Don't you dare play the victim when you left _me_ behind. I didn't ask for any of it. I didn't ask you to put me on that train. I agreed to getting married to you, I WANTED to spend the rest of my life with you and you put me on a train and told me we were 'surrendering'. I wasn't given a choice. You wanted to cut ties with me but to pretend that you don't know her, to not acknowledge your own-' Rachel hadn't even realised it but she was standing a foot away from Finn, shoving him on his chest as she spoke to him. She was cut off midsentence by Eliza, the beautiful little girl oblivious to what was happening in front of her. Finn, now backed up against the door watched as Rachel's words rung in his ears, however, the loudest noise was the smallest voice in the room.

'Daddy, baby'. Eliza had taken her little teddy she was holding by the foot and taken it to Finn, tugging at his trouser legs. The silence was echoing too loud as both Finn and Rachel became silent and looked down at the little girl as she repeated her words.

'Daddy baby cry' her words ringed in his ears as he leaned further and further against the door frame before realising there was nowhere left to go. His head began to feel dizzy as he took a deep breath, gulping for air like he was suddenly losing it.

Rachel couldn't fathom why Finn was reacting the way he did. The Finn she knew would never try to walk away from someone, especially his own child. Right now, she was watching him back away as Eliza looked up to him with hope, like she was some giant virus coming to get him. She watched as he made his way towards the front door before he came to a stop.

'That's it Finn, run away like it's going to make things better. It all actually makes sense now. The silence, the ignorance. Here I thought you'd actually come to your senses and came to meet your daughter for the first time but I get it. Carry on acting like she's a stranger to you'

Picking Eliza up Rachel turned towards the kitchen hoping to hear the front door close but turning back she was stunned to find Finn still standing there, but now turned towards her, looking like a broken man as tears streamed down his eyes.

'She's mine' Finn whispered. 'Mine?' his voice could barely be heard as he asked Rachel again.

'No Finn, she's _mine. _You decided that a long time ago and confirmed it today. She is _MINE_'

Finn moved towards Rachel as she took a step back letting him know not to get any closer.

'What do you mean decided that a long time ago? You didn't even-'

'I didn't what Finn? Tell you I was pregnant? Tell you that I was carrying YOUR child? Didn't send you scans and pictures and hope to God that one day you'd come home to see her? To see me? I didn't _what_ Finn?' Rachel was now crying, her hurt and anger present in the tone of her voice.

Finn was taken aback by Rachel's response. All the letters he ignored, the pictures he refused to open and see. Was she telling the truth?

'I didn't-' before he could continue Rachel cut him off.

'Look Finn, it's too late now. We had a long flight, Eliza hasn't had her lunch yet and its nearly naptime and I'm not ready for this. Can you just go home? Please?' Rachel pleaded.

'No! I want to sort this out now. I want to know the truth' His hands were shaking and his head was swarming with questions. How can this be his daughter? Sure, he and Rachel spent their last night together but they had always been so careful. Ok, maybe not always. How could he have a daughter and not know about her? Not be there for her? He was there for Beth but he couldn't be there for his own child. Staring at her now he sees it, that smile he saw earlier resembled his. Her hair was his, her beautiful big brown eyes and lashes were her mothers. Those dimples, they were inherited from them both.

'I want answers Rachel' Finn stated, defeated.

Setting Eliza down Rachel turned back to him. 'You want answers? Two months after you left I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and all alone at NYADA and had nobody to turn to. Freshman year was the hardest ever and the one person I missed and yearned for the most wasn't there for me. Imagine when I found out I was with child. His child.' Rachel let out a sarcastic chuckle. 'Part of me hoped that you'd come to your sense and leave the army after basic training after hearing the news. Part of me prayed that you would be here to help me through the tough parts. Mostly, I wished I could see your face as you met our daughter for the first time at her birth but all of that was a dream. I waited and waited for months and got no reply. Even Carole hoped she'd raised her son better than that. But we all waited and heard nothing. Eventually I accepted the fact that you wanted nothing to do with me, that you meant it when you said we'd surrender but I never took you to be the man to give up on his child.'

Both Finn and Rachel were in tears now. Neither backing down. 'Thank God for my parents and yours because I wouldn't have made it without them. They helped me between the studying, the work, the finance…everything you were supposed to do with me; they did it, all because you were too much of a coward to face the truth.'

Is that how little Rachel had thought of him now? Never did he think that those words would leave her mouth, that _she'd_ call him a coward; it stung more than learning the truth about his father.

'You think I'm a coward? Is that what you really think of me-' the hurt was clear in his voice and Rachel knew she had struck something in him.

'What else do you want me to think Finn? I waited by the post on your daughters first birthday hoping that her father, even though he'd refused to write to me, would at least have the decency to send her a present, especially since he knew the importance of having a father. Imagine waiting for something to show that he cared for her and to continue waiting. Your face said it all when you didn't even acknowledge her at the airport. You must hate us a lot to do that.' Rachel was sobbing heavily now, barely able to talk and it pained him to know that he caused her that much pain. That he caused their daughter that much pain. Such the father he was, he didn't even know his own daughters last name or date of birth.

'Have you ever considered that I love you too much to have done it? It was hard letting you go. I couldn't hold you back, not for me. You we're born to shine Rach and it killed me knowing that you were giving up your dreams for me. I love you so much that I gave you up to let you succeed. I couldn't do it though, I just couldn't' Finn had begun to struggle for words as he paced up and down the room, brushing his hands in his hair and along his stubbly face.

'I just couldn't-'

'Couldn't what Finn?' Rachel whispered as she watched him crumble.

'I couldn't open them. I couldn't let them get in the way of what I had to do. To redeem my father. To become the man worthy of you. I couldn't set off the pain of knowing what everyone I let down was up to let alone see their faces. Especially you.' Finn took a step towards Rachel, her not backing away this time. Leaning her face into his hands as he cupped her cheek and wiped away a tear with his thumb he continued. 'You're my everything Rachel. To know that I'd hurt you, made you think we were getting married and then to do that to you, it broke me. To see that you continued to write me letters made that pain worse. Knowing that you still thought I could give you what I couldn't, that you still loved me even after all the pain I caused you. I couldn't do that to myself or it would have broken me.' His lips were close to hers as their foreheads leaned upon each others. He could take this moment and seize, do what he has been waiting for for months, years. Just kiss her and feel like everything was right, like he was home again.

'Like you broke me?' Rachel whispers as she shakes her head and removes herself from his grasp. She wipes away her tears and picks Eliza up again and tidies the toys around her before making her way to the kitchen.

Finn knows he can't argue with that. He knows he broke her. The one time he did decide to open a letter it was from Kurt and about how much Rachel was suffering. That she let her school work get her through the day but at home and at night she would cry herself to sleep and make herself ill. It was a month after he'd left and he'd known that another one of those letters would do it for him and he would give up everything just to be with her.

'I didn't know Rach' he whispers as he wipes away his own tears.

'I didn't keep her from you, I'd never do that' Rachel mumbles as she stands with Eliza, who has rested her head in the crook of her mother's neck, in front of Finn.

'I didn't know' Finn sobs as he touches Eliza's hair, looking to Rachel for permission. She nods and looks down at Eliza who looks tired.

'Do you want to go to daddy?' Rachel asks Eliza. Rachel feels a flutter of happiness at finally being able to utter those words to her daughter; Finn watches in amazement as he hears those words leave Rachel's mouth. He's a daddy now. At first Eliza doesn't shift but when Finn holds his hands out she jumps form Rachel's lap to Finns and hangs off him like a little monkey. Rachel chuckles at first but her tears now aren't from anger or resentment, they're of happiness as she watches Finn embrace his daughter for the first time. He hugs her dearly, almost like he is afraid to let her go.

'Daddy's got you now baby girl. Daddy's got you' he sobs into Eliza's hair. It's weird, he's only known of this little girl for less than two hours yet he feels like she owns him. His heart swells each time he looks at her and she brings him utter joy and happiness. Staring at Rachel he whispers 'Daddy's never going to leave you again.' He hopes Rachel hears those words because he needs her to know that he means it.

Rachel hears those words leave Finn's mouth and hopes it stands true. She's still a little angry at him but she understands where he's coming from. It now makes sense why he ignored Eliza, why he didn't acknowledge her but he still has a long way to go before he could make it back in to Rachel's good books.

She's about to turn around and give Finn some time with Eliza while she prepares lunch but he grabs her wrist and brings her to a halt.

'I still love you, you know. I've never stopped and always will' his eyes are boring into hers and she knows it's true because it's been the same for her. She figures her head or her heart don't know how to hate or feel anything but love for Finn Hudson. She thinks he actually, literally, owns it so she does the only thing shes been dying to do for more than two years and especially since she saw him at the airport; she catches his lips with her own and kisses him hungrily before they are both alerted by a small hand tapping Finn's face. Shyly, they tear themselves away from each other's grip and giggle and for a moment, they feel like the worlds happiest little family.

'Would you like to stay for lunch?' Rachel asks Finn shyly; he flashes her one of his 'Rachel smiles' which she takes as a yes while she gets to preparation. Finn watches Rachel busy herself in the kitchen as he sits at the kitchen table with Eliza in his lap. 'I love you so much' he whispers to the little girl. He'd already missed so much of her life, the thought of missing anymore was a stab in the heart and it made him determined not to miss another minute.

XoX

That day, Finn and Rachel fell back into their own rhythm (with slight love-shy-teens awkwardness) and continued to play with Eliza and talk about everything Rachel had gone through and what he'd been through.

Finn learned that Eliza's full name was Eliza Christine Hudson and that she was born on the 5th of January 2013. She weighed 8lbs and had clearly inherited the giant Hudson gene. He'd also learned that Rachel would return to New York in a few days and had one more semester left at NYADA before she was to graduate and had already had an off-Broadway gig in the works. It amazed him at how much she had achieved, especially while being a single parent too and it made him fall even more in love with her than before and he didn't think that was possible.

Rachel learned that Finn hadn't managed to get his father's name redeemed but had learned more about the man his father used to be. He was a caring young soldier that lost his path after seeing some very traumatic things. Having been in the firing line himself, Finn now understood what it could do to a man. Had it not been for his determination for Rachel, he would have found his path leading the same way but now, coming home and finding out that he had something more amazing gave him that much more to fight for. She learned that he was now on permanent leave after being involved in a roadside bomb attack and nearly having his legs torn off. She learned that after months of thinking he'd lose his legs or never learn to walk again he defied his own pessimism and pulled through. While on his little leaves from the army, Finn had managed to study for a degree in Music Education and that he had a year left before he could become a teacher and do what he longed to do, work with younger children and instil the beauty and language of music from a young age.

They'd both grown up and matured so much they amazed each other. But one thing that never changed was their immense connection to each other and the love that they felt.

'I'm so proud of you, you know?' Rachel eyes beamed up to Finns face as her head rested on his shoulder, Eliza fast asleep in his arms as they all cuddled up to each other.

'Not as proud as I am of you. You were born to be a star Rach, and even with everything you've been through, you managed to persevere and continue to shine', Rachel chuckles at his words.

'Using big words now huh? Does the army make you recite the dictionary?' she giggles as Finn pouts, pretending to be hurt by her words. She kisses him to take the pout away and snuggles back into his side as he rests his head on hers.

'You know, I used to think my dream was to be on Broadway but it isn't. I started to realise in senior year that my dream wasn't Broadway, that was my ambition. My dream was always you, Finn Hudson and for a while I thought I'd lost that but that's the one dream I want to come true more than anything. I'd drop everything for that dream' Rachel whispered as she brushed Eliza's hair through her fingers.

'I think I can make that dream come true' Finn smirked at her playfully before dropping a kiss to her head.

'I'll make it my mission to make it come true. I love you both so much, my perfect little stars.' He dropped another kiss on Rachel's head and then to Eliza's before he continued to stare at her in awe. 'She's every bit perfect like you.' He tells Rachel. 'I still don't believe she has me in her too. Like our perfect little thing. Me and you' Rachel giggles once again as she watches Finn face while he mumbles in amazement. Her chin is rested on his shoulders while she watches his lips move and continues to daydream at how perfect this day has become. It didn't start out perfect, she'd never thought she'd bump into Finn at the airport after so long, but it happened and here they were, like the perfect little family. They still had some talking to do and work to be done but she knew this was fate calling them together. Whatever happened, right down the line, they'd always find their way to each other. She couldn't stop smiling as she listened to Finn mumble only to realise he was looking at her now, smiling down at her.

'You weren't listening we're you, that's my job' he laughed quietly, careful not to wake Eliza up.

'Hmm?' Rachel smiled staring into Finn's eyes.

'I just was saying how I still don't get how we could make something so amazing' he muses about Eliza.

'How about I remind you' Rachel winks flirtatiously at him and he doesn't need to be told twice because he's wanted this for so long; he's missed her for so long.

Quietly they put Eliza in bed before Finn take Rachels up on her earlier offer.

The next morning, after a text to Carole from Rachel, Carole and Burt walk into the house with LeRoy and Hiram only to be stunned into silence by the very sight before them. As they all greeted Finn and questioned him he found it hard to keep his eyes off of Rachel just as she had him. It's funny, but it's like nothing has changed yet many things have, but one thing they both know is it's only going to get better. They spend the whole day as a family, talking about everything and nothing but most importantly, Eliza spends the day with both her parents who are sat side by side, stealing glances and kisses like nothing had ever changed. Well, other than the fact that she was their perfect little outcome and they found it hard to tear their eyes away from her.

The perfect little family.

* * *

_**Thanks for reading **_

_Lyrics are from Christina Perri's song Distance_


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